Lots and lots and lots of stuff and things

I failed to keep up with regular updates again and I apologize. I really do wonder if my inability to follow through is linked to the bipolar and the TBI. I wish I had a doctor that I could ask about that but every time I try to get some answers the doctors are quick to push my concerns aside.

Anyway.

So I got a new job. I’m no longer in retail. The job does require a lot of training, and then I’ll be working as a Student Loan Associate. Basically I’ll counsel borrowers and help bring accounts current, but I’m not a debt collector. My commute is now an hour long, each way, but I think I’ll adjust to it quickly. I’m super excited to no longer be working late nights.

This job also means I’ll have a secondary insurance, so I’m hoping to get some mental health care finally. Also it should mean that I’m able to get ALL the medical care I need with minimal out of pocket costs.

Oh and the pay. It’s only about 70 cents more than I was making before BUT it’s a guaranteed 40 hour work week. Plus possibility of over time. Which is HUGE. Also I get paid holidays. I have today off to celebrate the Fourth Of July but I have nothing to do because all my friends are still working, and I don’t have any other friends really.

—

Writing’s been slow and I’m trying to get back in the swing of doing it. Even with all this good news going on, I’ve been not well. WP thinks that there is a real good chance that I’m in a depressed episode. All I want to do is sleep. Or stare at walls. I’m so tired all the time. I just want to do something fun with people but I don’t even know what I want to do, so it’s pointless to ask anyone if they want to go do something.

I may have been slightly triggered by an event that affected my sister and her husband, but it’s not about me, and I’m trying to take that trigger and focus the energy elsewhere. She’s going to read this so I’m not saying what I’m doing! Ha!! They did also just buy a house so she’s going to get a double surprise!! Don’t worry Sis! I’m not coming down. Yet.

But the writing is harder to do lately, it feels like when I was on psych medication. I can’t think and it’s making me super antsy. I think I just need to go out and do things. My therapist used to tell me to make plans with friends. I’d always laugh at him when he suggested that.

I’ve kind of abandoned the serial I was writing, I’ve found something I like more until I hit the wall. Possibly will have more of one of them soon. I’m hoping at least.

—

I’ve been cooking up a storm so I’ll share some of what I’ve made in some posts later. I’ll have to remember to set them up.

I hope you all have a great day celebrating! I’ll talk to you all soon.

So tired…

Does anyone else deal with extreme fatigue all the time? It’s like no matter how much sleep I get, or how much I rest, or take vitamins, I feel like I’m tired all the time. Not always mentally, most of the time it feels like I’ve run a marathon or something.

I have no idea what is causing this. I wondered if it was due to my muscles constantly twitching and such, but the neurologist didn’t say much about this. He said that I probably have benign fasciculation syndrome but didn’t do much except write a letter to my GP and she has yet to address it.

My liver enzymes are also high due to the NASH, but again, I’m not sure if that is causing the fact that I’m tired. All the time.

I spend all my energy working, or doing other things that at the end of the day, or really a few hours after waking, I’m too exhausted to do anything that I want or like to do. I haven’t gotten a lot of writing done, nor have I been able to get my own personal errands done. It sucks.

If anyone has any ideas on how to combat this fatigue, I’d love to hear them. Just drop them in the comments!

It’s been a while….

It’s been a while since I posted. My day job got real busy and I did two weeks of working overnight doing a tool reset in the store. That kind of threw me off since I do most of my work here in the evenings.

I kind of stalled on Lacey’s story. I’m not sure where to go with it, my direction was clearly not going to work by the time I started to write the third installment. I’m not sure what to do about that.

On the other hand, I’ve been working nonstop on another idea. It’s coming together rather nicely I think.

I also started an Instagram account. It’s mostly just the food I eat/make, and my cat. If you’re interested, it’s @m_is_for_mo.

I will hopefully be updating again soon!

So much to write so little time…

I’m wicked happy that I finished the first part of Lacey’s Story. I just spent the last few hours talking with WP about it and bouncing some ideas. I got a lot to think about but the story line is solid, so now I’m just flushing out the details. I’d like to get a few parts written soon so that I’m ahead of the game.

I need to get a start on producing solid material for my and WP’s project. I’ve written about twenty-five pages and their contributions have made up to forty total pages. I hate being stagnant and I feel that is what has happened in the last few months. I love the characters and I think the new reworking of the story will have so much more to offer. I’m slowly adding pages to this one. I’m working blindly as WP has a lot of the information but is keeping it close to them as the FMC in the story isn’t supposed to know what is actually going on.

And then I’m working on a NSFW story with WP that revolves visiting family around the holidays with your maybe-sometimes-depends-on-the-day significant other. There’s some fun shenanigans going on in that one, and we just use it to blow off steam. I’ve added several pages onto that one recently as I’m so stressed out with everything.

I’m also looking to write some fresh shorts for all of you that follow this blog. I’m trying to write just these blog posts to keep the writing going. But I also want to be able to show off what I can do at the same time, if that makes any sense.

It’s bed time now. We’re apparently having a winter storm, but I haven’t looked outside yet. It’s going to be an early morning as I will have to move the car by 8:30 if we do get more than two inches of snow (predicted 3-5). Then doctor’s appointment at 11:30 (I thought this was earlier in the day) and I start my Instacart shift at noon. I might need to drop that last hour. I’m going to be exhausted. And it’s my only day off from my “real” job this week.

Patreon launched!!

So I launched my Patreon campaign last night. I’m wicked excited about this, as the $5 tier is receiving a new chapter of my story. I’m trying to write a serial and this is my first time doing it. So I’m hoping this ends up meeting expectations. It’s called Lacey’s Story and I had posted part of it previously.

I’m hoping to get pledges so that I’m having to sit down and write and produce, but also so that I can sit down, write, and produce without having to worry about how I could be using the time to make money to pay bills or buy food.

I also put together a Facebook Page to help promote myself. The whole thing seems very weird to me, but I really would like to be able to dedicate more time to writing and improving my work. Updates to this blog also appear there. Feel free to give me a “Like” if you wish to keep up with what I’m doing.

Thoughts on Money and Things

In the past few months, I’ve filled out almost a hundred applications, I’ve gone to about ten interviews and I’m still not getting anything. I’ve applied to full time positions in my store, but nothing. I’m sort of at the end of my rope.

I’m going to try to do some grocery delivery for InstaCart but I’m worried because the income may make me lose my benefits from the state and I do need a secondary insurance. Which is the most important part of getting a full time job.

I’m battling fatigue badly, which is also what worries me about doing this delivery work. I can barely keep my eyes open right now but I have hours scheduled from 5-7pm because that was what I could grab today. It’s after dark too. I can’t drive well then. Also grocery stores give me anxiety. Badly.

I don’t know what else to do at this time, because I can’t even afford my meds. I need to renew my insulin, my antidepressant, the fiber pills, and the pills that keep the food in my stomach and not in the toilet. There is no money for that. But if I make extra money, I’ll lose my food stamps and possibly the QMB that pays my Medicare premiums and such.

This worry is effecting my mood more and my ability to write.

I feel hopeless. And no another pill isn’t going to fix that.

Late Night Musings

So as you can tell, I did not go to bed, and Murder Kitty is currently wandering around my room, randomly biting me, and mewing that it’s bed time. Sometimes it amazes me how much her name fits her. She was originally supposed to be called Miss Kitty, but a friend said that it sounded like I had given up on life. I had, but I wasn’t going to admit that, so she became Miss Murder (From the AFI song… please say you’re old enough to know what I’m talking about … so many of the young folks I say this to give me a blank stare), and hey, she responds to it.

I’m trying to write a page or two since WP gave me some material and an idea to work with. And here I am writing, but not writing what I need to. My brain is just all out of sorts right now. I’m bothered by money issues, housing issues, bills, and dealing with my health.

Continue reading “Late Night Musings” →

Thinking Thinking Thinking

I know that I haven’t been updating. I’ve kind of fallen into this funk where it’s extremely hard to think and write. I know it’s a side effect of being on anti-depressants. It’s hard because I know my medication needs an adjustment but since I can’t actually find an office to take me, I’m kind of stuck with where I’m at. I’ve continued to take the CBD oil and it is helping a lot.

I’m kind of conflicted when it comes to what to write about here. I have a lot to say and a lot of things that I can write from my experience but I don’t want this to become too much about one topic. But then again, this is my personal blog, so I guess I could write about anything I want. I hope you all don’t mind if I do that.

WP had an idea to improve our story, which meant starting from the beginning again. Which is fine, except I’m having issues when it comes to writing. WP says to take my time and to just see it then write it. I don’t think WP understands that I can’t actually visual things while I’m on the medication. My mind is pretty much blank all the time.

The medication is also killing any progress I made at my job. I just keep getting called in for “training” purposes and being reprimanded. Although some of it is definitely not me, but whatever at this point. I spent October in a fog, November having panic attacks, and now I’m okay but all the mishaps just make me want to find a good job that I am able to do (writing, administrative, receptionist – I’m wicked awesome at researching topics and events and people) and that pays enough so that I don’t have to rely on just Medicare for health insurance. It would be great if I could work from home on my own schedule, just having to work so many hours or being able to contract and bill. I just no longer feel confident that I’m able to do my job. And that sucks. My supervisor asked what was going on so I told her the truth, but I also told her that I feel like the truth is just a bunch of excuses.

I don’t even want to talk about the continuing effects from the TBI from almost two years ago.

Everything just seems bleak right now and I feel useless. I’m hoping things start to look up with the new year.

Life is too short…

We can choose, we can change,
And if we don’t, we’re just afraid of living life
Like we’re loved and in love and alive
To all the things we could be if we just believed

-Frank Turner

So I started back on my meds in October. And lost a lot of time because of it. I started taking Welbutrin again and Zoloft. I couldn’t handle the Zoloft. It made me sleepy and I couldn’t stay awake to work my shift. So I stopped it. Things started to get better and I was adjusting okay, just not able to really do much except watch television. And then the past week or so I’ve been hit with really bad panic attacks.

I don’t have a psychiatrist or a therapist because I have Medicare due to being on disability for over a year, and around here every practitioner has a wait list months long. So I think at this point, I’m calling a hospital and seeing if they can help me out.

For the panic attacks I’ve been taking Ativan as needed for years for breakthrough panic. This is the first time in almost four years that I’ve needed to take more than one pill during a panic attack. It has been the only way I’ve made it through work the last week or so. My days off are easier because I’m vaping CBD oil.

I really can’t keep living in the cycle that my Bipolar Disorder keeps me on. But I’m also questioning if I really have Bipolar or if I’ve got something different. I kind of am questioning if I have a personality disorder. I’m questioning a lot about how my brain works. Plus the medications don’t help.

I’m also slowly starting to make plans for things. Goals. I want to buy a house. Mostly that is it. But the biggest obstacle to this is that I don’t have a full time job. Which I can only do if I have my psychological issues under control. It almost makes me wonder if having goals is worth it. My old therapist felt that if I had something to look forward to it would help. I miss seeing him.

I’m trying to learn to live life. But it’s hard. Just as the lyrics above I’m trying to prove that I’m not afraid of living. The only saving grace of the Welbutrin is that it’s quieting the voice in my head and the compulsions that make me constantly want to kill myself. I still want to die, but I’m not… trying to act on it.

I’m trying to live like I love and am loved, and that I have a future.

I’m hoping to start updating this regularly again. I’m slowly starting to write. WP is having me write them smut as an exercise. I have a back up career at least! But its slowly becoming easier and easier again.

One day this will all be easier.

My mental illness does not run my life…

Hi, my name is Mo, and I have Bipolar I Disorder, PTSD, Panic Disorder and either a Cluster A or B disorder.

I just had my general practitioner prescribe my antidepressants again. It’s October and I know I get bad over the winter. I haven’t blogged because I have been dealing with being hit with depression and the media coverage of recent events have triggered some PTSD symptoms.

The antidepressants really mess with me when I first start to go on them. I’m glad I have tomorrow off, as I had today off as well. Yesterday, I only worked for four hours and I had a panic attack that wouldn’t go away. I ended up spending some time in the Garden Center watching bees that had swarmed one specific type of flower. I’m also alternating between being too tired to do anything, and being wide awake all night.

I’m not sure what to do about the PTSD that is rearing its ugly head. I don’t have a therapist currently because there are so few that take Medicare. I’m on a waiting list. Been on it for months. I have no idea how to even start finding a new psychiatrist.

WP has banned me from working on our story for two weeks. They say I’m stressed. Normally I’m the type to work through something but I’ll take WP’s lead on this one. So I’ll work on posting on the regular. I think I’ll write a few more short stories and post them.

Or maybe I’ll just stay in bed the next two weeks.