My Favorite Things…

No this isn’t about the song from the Sound of Music, nor its it an episode of Oprah.  This is actually about what I like to do in my free time, and my hobbies are a bit odd, I guess.

Right now I’m working on my writing project, and for it I’m doing a bit of research.  The genre that my project is in is… a bit of a mix.  It’s one part science fiction, one part thriller, a little mystery and romance, and a tiny part political conspiracy.  One of the things that I wanted was for there to be an event in certain areas of the world.  But I wanted it to be believable so I started my web search.

I always start with a basic web search.  Google is my best friend.  I put in whatever my basic idea is.  And then I start down the rabbit hole.  I also like Wikipedia for ideas for where to gear my search.  There is also usually resources at the bottom, and citations.  I do still have limited access to student databases for scholarly searching but Google also has an Academic site that I use quite often.

My favorite subjects are international politics, quantum and theoretical science, military history and tactics, Rules of Engagement, and other things like that.  I like poking into law as well.  Not bad for a part time retail supervisor? Huh? I can understand statistics but I suck at doing the actual math behind it, but I get probability pretty well.  Wish I could actually understand it well enough to pass the Prob and Stats course I’ve taken four times and still can’t pass.

I like to watch political thrillers, and read them as well.  My favorite author to listen to (TBI fucked up my processing) is Brad Thor.  His Scot Harvath series is my favorite and I’m always scoping out Good Will and Ocean State Job Lot to try to find audio books.  I wish my stereo in my car still worked, because I liked listening to the audio while commuting.

I used to have a blog writing about music, and gigs, and new albums.  But then I just couldn’t afford to do it anymore and that kind of makes me sad.  I look at the blog from time to time, and I wish I could do it again.  I suppose with there being so many music streaming sources now I could start to at least do album reviews again, but it’s been so long, that I think it might be better to just leave it.

Okay, this is getting quite long, so I think I’ll end this here.

Thinking Thinking Thinking

I know that I haven’t been updating.  I’ve kind of fallen into this funk where it’s extremely hard to think and write.  I know it’s a side effect of being on anti-depressants.  It’s hard because I know my medication needs an adjustment but since I can’t actually find an office to take me, I’m kind of stuck with where I’m at.  I’ve continued to take the CBD oil and it is helping a lot.

I’m kind of conflicted when it comes to what to write about here.  I have a lot to say and a lot of things that I can write from my experience but I don’t want this to become too much about one topic.  But then again, this is my personal blog, so I guess I could write about anything I want.  I hope you all don’t mind if I do that.

WP had an idea to improve our story, which meant starting from the beginning again.  Which is fine, except I’m having issues when it comes to writing.  WP says to take my time and to just see it then write it.  I don’t think WP understands that I can’t actually visual things while I’m on the medication.  My mind is pretty much blank all the time.

The medication is also killing any progress I made at my job.  I just keep getting called in for “training” purposes and being reprimanded.  Although some of it is definitely not me, but whatever at this point.  I spent October in a fog, November having panic attacks, and now I’m okay but all the mishaps just make me want to find a good job that I am able to do (writing, administrative, receptionist – I’m wicked awesome at researching topics and events and people) and that pays enough so that I don’t have to rely on just Medicare for health insurance.  It would be great if I could work from home on my own schedule, just having to work so many hours or being able to contract and bill.  I just no longer feel confident that I’m able to do my job.  And that sucks.  My supervisor asked what was going on so I told her the truth, but I also told her that I feel like the truth is just a bunch of excuses.

I don’t even want to talk about the continuing effects from the TBI from almost two years ago.

Everything just seems bleak right now and I feel useless.  I’m hoping things start to look up with the new year.

A little play never hurts

So I don’t have pictures yet because I’m still playing around with things, but I’ve been doing the whole DYI thing with skin moisturizers and scrubs.  I’m really allergic and sensitive to basically everything, so I’ve been trying to find a way to get relatively clean without using soap.

I’ve been using coconut oil, salts, oats, etc and essential oils in various combinations to see what works.  Its kind of fun.  I think my roommate thinks I’m crazy though.

 

Writing is hard.

My computer somehow updated on it’s own even though it is set up not to.  I lost three days of work that won’t recover and even though I saved one piece, I lost the same amount of work from that.  The saved version picking up from the three days prior.  I lost one document completely.  It was crap though. so I’m not too concerned.

It’s frustrating not only because I lost the work, but also because with being back on the medication, my ability to write easily has diminished again.  It’s taking hours, days even, to complete a page.  It’s really frustrating.

I’m also finding that I’m easily distracted.  I keep wanting to look at things online.  Or watch TV.  Or when I’m finally in the zone, Murder Kitty decides she wants attention.  Not to mention that the panic attacks still haven’t gone away.

Anyway.  It snowed.  Here’s a video of Murder Kitty.  She’s super into wanting to play with it, but when I tried to let her onto the balcony, she wasn’t having any of it. Here she is watching the snow from my window.

And I made my calls today…

I sat down and made some phone calls today.  I called a hospital system that has the mental health crisis team, and I can’t be a patient there if my PCP isn’t with them.  One place said it’d end up being expensive as I’d have to go once a week for three months, then came back to tell me that they weren’t taking new patients.  One place said they’d call me back, called me back but since it’s an unlisted number and I screen my calls I missed it.  Called them back immediately and was told that I must pick up all unlisted numbers until I make contact with the scheduler.

I called everyone on the Medicare list in my area.

I’m feeling defeated and I am not sure what to do at this point.

Life is too short…

We can choose, we can change,
And if we don’t, we’re just afraid of living life
Like we’re loved and in love and alive
To all the things we could be if we just believed

-Frank Turner

So I started back on my meds in October.  And lost a lot of time because of it.  I started taking Welbutrin again and Zoloft.  I couldn’t handle the Zoloft.  It made me sleepy and I couldn’t stay awake to work my shift.  So I stopped it.  Things started to get better and I was adjusting okay, just not able to really do much except watch television.  And then the past week or so I’ve been hit with really bad panic attacks.

I don’t have a psychiatrist or a therapist because I have Medicare due to being on disability for over a year, and around here every practitioner has a wait list months long.  So I think at this point, I’m calling a hospital and seeing if they can help me out.

For the panic attacks I’ve been taking Ativan as needed for years for breakthrough panic.  This is the first time in almost four years that I’ve needed to take more than one pill during a panic attack.  It has been the only way I’ve made it through work the last week or so.  My days off are easier because I’m vaping CBD oil.

I really can’t keep living in the cycle that my Bipolar Disorder keeps me on.  But I’m also questioning if I really have Bipolar or if I’ve got something different.  I kind of am questioning if I have a personality disorder.  I’m questioning a lot about how my brain works.  Plus the medications don’t help.

I’m also slowly starting to make plans for things.  Goals.  I want to buy a house.  Mostly that is it.  But the biggest obstacle to this is that I don’t have a full time job.  Which I can only do if I have my psychological issues under control.  It almost makes me wonder if having goals is worth it.  My old therapist felt that if I had something to look forward to it would help.  I miss seeing him.

I’m trying to learn to live life.  But it’s hard.  Just as the lyrics above I’m trying to prove that I’m not afraid of living.  The only saving grace of the Welbutrin is that it’s quieting the voice in my head and the compulsions that make me constantly want to kill myself.  I still want to die, but I’m not… trying to act on it.

I’m trying to live like I love and am loved, and that I have a future.

I’m hoping to start updating this regularly again.  I’m slowly starting to write.  WP is having me write them smut as an exercise.  I have a back up career at least!  But its slowly becoming easier and easier again.

One day this will all be easier.

 

My mental illness does not run my life…

Hi, my name is Mo, and I have Bipolar I Disorder, PTSD, Panic Disorder and either a Cluster A or B disorder.

I just had my general practitioner prescribe my antidepressants again.  It’s October and I know I get bad over the winter.  I haven’t blogged because I have been dealing with being hit with depression and the media coverage of recent events have triggered some PTSD symptoms.

The antidepressants really mess with me when I first start to go on them.  I’m glad I have tomorrow off, as I had today off as well.  Yesterday, I only worked for four hours and I had a panic attack that wouldn’t go away.  I ended up spending some time in the Garden Center watching bees that had swarmed one specific type of flower.  I’m also alternating between being too tired to do anything, and being wide awake all night.

I’m not sure what to do about the PTSD that is rearing its ugly head.  I don’t have a therapist currently because there are so few that take Medicare.  I’m on a waiting list.  Been on it for months.  I have no idea how to even start finding a new psychiatrist.

WP has banned me from working on our story for two weeks. They say I’m stressed. Normally I’m the type to work through something but I’ll take WP’s lead on this one.  So I’ll work on posting on the regular.  I think I’ll write a few more short stories and post them.

Or maybe I’ll just stay in bed the next two weeks.

 

Sick Days…

I don’t get sick days.  And I’ve been sick for about the last week.

It started off with pain throughout my body over two weeks ago.  I eventually went to Urgent Care as my doctor’s office said it would be up to two weeks for an appointment. They said that it was a virus and to wait it out.

Flash forward to Monday and I wake up not sure what day it is, and promptly go back to sleep.  Turns out I slept through a doctor’s appointment I had been waiting weeks for.  So that was good.  I finally woke up and thought I was going to be late for work, only to realize I had the day off.

Whatever I got is still kicking my butt.  I’ve been able to write but its subpar and nothing that I’m really proud over.  WP thinks its decent so I guess that’s what matters.  Here’s hoping to getting over this soon.

Writing update…

WP and I have been hard at work finishing up the little side story to our book series.  I had a moment panic with the timelines but that has straightened itself out and soon we will be back to the original story plot.  I’m excited and will be talking to WP soon about maybe giving some details about our project on here.  I’d like to post some teasers.

I spent last night and today doing first draft rewrites from the beginning as most of the story started from a role play and is in text messages back and forth to each other with no story structure except for dialogue and a hazy plot line.  It’s starting to develop into something.  Which is good, but there is so much information and I’m trying to decide what should stay in and what can come out.  The introduction part that we sectioned was over 100 pages long when I went to print out the document.  I was/am slightly overwhelmed.

I can’t wait to let others read this project.  I really enjoy working on it, and I’d love for others to see how talented my WP is.  This is the first time I’ve been excited working on something for a long time.  I am hopeful.

Jobs and my Self esteem

I’m sitting here writing this and I have to be up for work in three and a half hours.  I have the opening shift which begins at 5:30 in the morning and I only am working for five hours today, so my shift ends at 10:30.  My job pays well considering it is retail.  It’s decent.  For part time work.

I hate telling people that I’m a Front End Supervisor at a retailer.  I can see that they immediately are starting to judge me.  It’s worse when they find out that I have almost seven years of office admin experience, an Associates Degree, two classes from a Bachelors, and my life experience.  The next thing that comes out of their mouths is usually some form of “What are you doing here?” and “You’ve got so much potential.”

Yes.

But when you get sick suddenly and have to leave your job and are on SSDI for months, not many places want to hire you back.  And everyone else sends you links to retail jobs.  Because apparently that is all you are good for now.

Now there is nothing wrong with retail, if you have ambition, a good work ethic, and you are a people person, you can go far.  But you better hope you have another gig.  Because most jobs pay around $8-10/hr just to step in the door.  Supervising pays a bit more, between $9-14/hr.  And its not guaranteed to be full time.   I work about 20-26 hours a week, my contract says they can schedule me for as little as 10 hours.  To continue to get those 20-16 hours a week my schedule has to be open every day.  So it’s almost impossible to pick up another job.   I can’t even begin to pay my bills on what I make.

It takes a toll when I can’t even pay my basic bills.  I feel like I’m a failure even though I know it’s because of the illness that I had to take time from work.  I can’t pay for my medication to get better, so I cringe when I ask for more hours, even as I struggle to stay up right.  I can see my managers looking at me thinking, “Really? More hours?”  And I hate it when I say I’m broke and someone who knows I’m part time has the audacity to talk about budgeting and how they are making it work.  Most of them are married.  Or still live with their parents.  And I have to stop from screaming at them that its not the same thing.

I could finish my last two classes.  But I need money for that.  The way the university set up their scheduling now means I need to take two classes at a time in order to receive financial aid (loans).  I simply cannot do that, so I need to pay out of pocket.  I can barely pay my rent, thre is no extra $1,000 for classes.

I apply to job ads weekly.  Nothing yet.

All I can do is keep trying.  And hope that I’m not causing more damage by not taking my medications.  And that my body will recover from being malnourished.

One day.