Thinking Thinking Thinking

I know that I haven’t been updating. I’ve kind of fallen into this funk where it’s extremely hard to think and write. I know it’s a side effect of being on anti-depressants. It’s hard because I know my medication needs an adjustment but since I can’t actually find an office to take me, I’m kind of stuck with where I’m at. I’ve continued to take the CBD oil and it is helping a lot.

I’m kind of conflicted when it comes to what to write about here. I have a lot to say and a lot of things that I can write from my experience but I don’t want this to become too much about one topic. But then again, this is my personal blog, so I guess I could write about anything I want. I hope you all don’t mind if I do that.

WP had an idea to improve our story, which meant starting from the beginning again. Which is fine, except I’m having issues when it comes to writing. WP says to take my time and to just see it then write it. I don’t think WP understands that I can’t actually visual things while I’m on the medication. My mind is pretty much blank all the time.

The medication is also killing any progress I made at my job. I just keep getting called in for “training” purposes and being reprimanded. Although some of it is definitely not me, but whatever at this point. I spent October in a fog, November having panic attacks, and now I’m okay but all the mishaps just make me want to find a good job that I am able to do (writing, administrative, receptionist – I’m wicked awesome at researching topics and events and people) and that pays enough so that I don’t have to rely on just Medicare for health insurance. It would be great if I could work from home on my own schedule, just having to work so many hours or being able to contract and bill. I just no longer feel confident that I’m able to do my job. And that sucks. My supervisor asked what was going on so I told her the truth, but I also told her that I feel like the truth is just a bunch of excuses.

I don’t even want to talk about the continuing effects from the TBI from almost two years ago.

Everything just seems bleak right now and I feel useless. I’m hoping things start to look up with the new year.

Writing is hard.

My computer somehow updated on it’s own even though it is set up not to. I lost three days of work that won’t recover and even though I saved one piece, I lost the same amount of work from that. The saved version picking up from the three days prior. I lost one document completely. It was crap though. so I’m not too concerned.

It’s frustrating not only because I lost the work, but also because with being back on the medication, my ability to write easily has diminished again. It’s taking hours, days even, to complete a page. It’s really frustrating.

I’m also finding that I’m easily distracted. I keep wanting to look at things online. Or watch TV. Or when I’m finally in the zone, Murder Kitty decides she wants attention. Not to mention that the panic attacks still haven’t gone away.

Anyway. It snowed. Here’s a video of Murder Kitty. She’s super into wanting to play with it, but when I tried to let her onto the balcony, she wasn’t having any of it. Here she is watching the snow from my window.

Life is too short…

We can choose, we can change,
And if we don’t, we’re just afraid of living life
Like we’re loved and in love and alive
To all the things we could be if we just believed

-Frank Turner

So I started back on my meds in October. And lost a lot of time because of it. I started taking Welbutrin again and Zoloft. I couldn’t handle the Zoloft. It made me sleepy and I couldn’t stay awake to work my shift. So I stopped it. Things started to get better and I was adjusting okay, just not able to really do much except watch television. And then the past week or so I’ve been hit with really bad panic attacks.

I don’t have a psychiatrist or a therapist because I have Medicare due to being on disability for over a year, and around here every practitioner has a wait list months long. So I think at this point, I’m calling a hospital and seeing if they can help me out.

For the panic attacks I’ve been taking Ativan as needed for years for breakthrough panic. This is the first time in almost four years that I’ve needed to take more than one pill during a panic attack. It has been the only way I’ve made it through work the last week or so. My days off are easier because I’m vaping CBD oil.

I really can’t keep living in the cycle that my Bipolar Disorder keeps me on. But I’m also questioning if I really have Bipolar or if I’ve got something different. I kind of am questioning if I have a personality disorder. I’m questioning a lot about how my brain works. Plus the medications don’t help.

I’m also slowly starting to make plans for things. Goals. I want to buy a house. Mostly that is it. But the biggest obstacle to this is that I don’t have a full time job. Which I can only do if I have my psychological issues under control. It almost makes me wonder if having goals is worth it. My old therapist felt that if I had something to look forward to it would help. I miss seeing him.

I’m trying to learn to live life. But it’s hard. Just as the lyrics above I’m trying to prove that I’m not afraid of living. The only saving grace of the Welbutrin is that it’s quieting the voice in my head and the compulsions that make me constantly want to kill myself. I still want to die, but I’m not… trying to act on it.

I’m trying to live like I love and am loved, and that I have a future.

I’m hoping to start updating this regularly again. I’m slowly starting to write. WP is having me write them smut as an exercise. I have a back up career at least! But its slowly becoming easier and easier again.

One day this will all be easier.