Insomnia ramblings

Well. It’s not exactly insomnia. I ended up sleeping most of the day so now I’m paying for that.

I tried to work some overtime today but my body would not stop hurting so I came back home and just slept it off. I wish I could find a good job like the one I have but have it either be closer to where I live or a work from home sort of deal. I’m not really doing good with the commute.

I have made some progress on the Village story I’m writing. Started on Part Two. I wish I had some more time to work on it. But writing feels so… it feels like I’m just going through the motions. Almost everything is feeling that way. I’m in the midst of a mental health episode that’s like wicked bad but it’s not really hurting anyone so I guess I’m okay with what’s going on.

Miss Murder Kitty is still pissed about the kitten. She’s peed on my bed again. I’ve given up on the bed and probably will just have to go without one. It’s not the worst thing in the world.

Miss Murder Kitty after she peed on my bed again.

Today I’m planning on making a pork loin in the slow cooker for me and the kids. I’m going to try to see if I can get some meat for stew as well. I only have like $10 left for the week so we’ll see.

I want to make a few other things as well but my brain is firmly set on clean mode which lets me know I’m having a manic episode. Which. Well. It’s fine. I’ll deal with it. I think I need to look into how much a cleaning person would cost. It would probably be good for me to be able to relax. I need to relax.

Lots and lots and lots of stuff and things

I failed to keep up with regular updates again and I apologize. I really do wonder if my inability to follow through is linked to the bipolar and the TBI. I wish I had a doctor that I could ask about that but every time I try to get some answers the doctors are quick to push my concerns aside.

Anyway.

So I got a new job. I’m no longer in retail. The job does require a lot of training, and then I’ll be working as a Student Loan Associate. Basically I’ll counsel borrowers and help bring accounts current, but I’m not a debt collector. My commute is now an hour long, each way, but I think I’ll adjust to it quickly. I’m super excited to no longer be working late nights.

This job also means I’ll have a secondary insurance, so I’m hoping to get some mental health care finally. Also it should mean that I’m able to get ALL the medical care I need with minimal out of pocket costs.

Oh and the pay. It’s only about 70 cents more than I was making before BUT it’s a guaranteed 40 hour work week. Plus possibility of over time. Which is HUGE. Also I get paid holidays. I have today off to celebrate the Fourth Of July but I have nothing to do because all my friends are still working, and I don’t have any other friends really.

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Writing’s been slow and I’m trying to get back in the swing of doing it. Even with all this good news going on, I’ve been not well. WP thinks that there is a real good chance that I’m in a depressed episode. All I want to do is sleep. Or stare at walls. I’m so tired all the time. I just want to do something fun with people but I don’t even know what I want to do, so it’s pointless to ask anyone if they want to go do something.

I may have been slightly triggered by an event that affected my sister and her husband, but it’s not about me, and I’m trying to take that trigger and focus the energy elsewhere. She’s going to read this so I’m not saying what I’m doing! Ha!! They did also just buy a house so she’s going to get a double surprise!! Don’t worry Sis! I’m not coming down. Yet.

But the writing is harder to do lately, it feels like when I was on psych medication. I can’t think and it’s making me super antsy. I think I just need to go out and do things. My therapist used to tell me to make plans with friends. I’d always laugh at him when he suggested that.

I’ve kind of abandoned the serial I was writing, I’ve found something I like more until I hit the wall. Possibly will have more of one of them soon. I’m hoping at least.

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I’ve been cooking up a storm so I’ll share some of what I’ve made in some posts later. I’ll have to remember to set them up.

I hope you all have a great day celebrating! I’ll talk to you all soon.

Thinking Thinking Thinking

I know that I haven’t been updating. I’ve kind of fallen into this funk where it’s extremely hard to think and write. I know it’s a side effect of being on anti-depressants. It’s hard because I know my medication needs an adjustment but since I can’t actually find an office to take me, I’m kind of stuck with where I’m at. I’ve continued to take the CBD oil and it is helping a lot.

I’m kind of conflicted when it comes to what to write about here. I have a lot to say and a lot of things that I can write from my experience but I don’t want this to become too much about one topic. But then again, this is my personal blog, so I guess I could write about anything I want. I hope you all don’t mind if I do that.

WP had an idea to improve our story, which meant starting from the beginning again. Which is fine, except I’m having issues when it comes to writing. WP says to take my time and to just see it then write it. I don’t think WP understands that I can’t actually visual things while I’m on the medication. My mind is pretty much blank all the time.

The medication is also killing any progress I made at my job. I just keep getting called in for “training” purposes and being reprimanded. Although some of it is definitely not me, but whatever at this point. I spent October in a fog, November having panic attacks, and now I’m okay but all the mishaps just make me want to find a good job that I am able to do (writing, administrative, receptionist – I’m wicked awesome at researching topics and events and people) and that pays enough so that I don’t have to rely on just Medicare for health insurance. It would be great if I could work from home on my own schedule, just having to work so many hours or being able to contract and bill. I just no longer feel confident that I’m able to do my job. And that sucks. My supervisor asked what was going on so I told her the truth, but I also told her that I feel like the truth is just a bunch of excuses.

I don’t even want to talk about the continuing effects from the TBI from almost two years ago.

Everything just seems bleak right now and I feel useless. I’m hoping things start to look up with the new year.

And I made my calls today…

I sat down and made some phone calls today. I called a hospital system that has the mental health crisis team, and I can’t be a patient there if my PCP isn’t with them. One place said it’d end up being expensive as I’d have to go once a week for three months, then came back to tell me that they weren’t taking new patients. One place said they’d call me back, called me back but since it’s an unlisted number and I screen my calls I missed it. Called them back immediately and was told that I must pick up all unlisted numbers until I make contact with the scheduler.

I called everyone on the Medicare list in my area.

I’m feeling defeated and I am not sure what to do at this point.

My mental illness does not run my life…

Hi, my name is Mo, and I have Bipolar I Disorder, PTSD, Panic Disorder and either a Cluster A or B disorder.

I just had my general practitioner prescribe my antidepressants again. It’s October and I know I get bad over the winter. I haven’t blogged because I have been dealing with being hit with depression and the media coverage of recent events have triggered some PTSD symptoms.

The antidepressants really mess with me when I first start to go on them. I’m glad I have tomorrow off, as I had today off as well. Yesterday, I only worked for four hours and I had a panic attack that wouldn’t go away. I ended up spending some time in the Garden Center watching bees that had swarmed one specific type of flower. I’m also alternating between being too tired to do anything, and being wide awake all night.

I’m not sure what to do about the PTSD that is rearing its ugly head. I don’t have a therapist currently because there are so few that take Medicare. I’m on a waiting list. Been on it for months. I have no idea how to even start finding a new psychiatrist.

WP has banned me from working on our story for two weeks. They say I’m stressed. Normally I’m the type to work through something but I’ll take WP’s lead on this one. So I’ll work on posting on the regular. I think I’ll write a few more short stories and post them.

Or maybe I’ll just stay in bed the next two weeks.