Asking

The first part of Lacey’s Story is going to be released on March 1st on my Patreon campaign. I’m excite but nervous at the same time. I know that many people don’t know that I’ve been writing since I was in middle school, and a lot of people haven’t read what I’ve written before. And here I am, asking them to pay $5 a month, to read this story. The $1 tier gives you access to what I post for Patrons Only and $2 tiers get you access to the blog that I started that gives a peek behind the process of working on this story, details about the characters, and other ideas that are floating around pertaining to the story. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a graphic designer and I was decent at it, so I’m envisioning offering posters and such to go with this story in the future to my Patrons. (This would be WAY into the future)

My Patreon is my way of asking you for support. Without your support, I will not be able to have time to write Lacey’s Story, or any of my other writing projects, as I would be too busy working gig economy jobs in order to make ends meet. I work part time already, as stated previously, and since I cannot survive on part time work, I pick up other ways to make money. I’m at the point in my life that I’d like to be able to do something that I enjoy, but in order to do that, I need to get paid.

This money will go towards keeping me technology updated in order to produce better material. It will also go towards education and professional development. And eventually I’m hoping to be able to produce hard copies of this and other works that I’m working on. I also would like to be able to work with an editor on making these works as perfect as they can be. Also, part of the money would probably go towards groceries. As I like to eat but really can’t afford it. That’s another blog post.

And now you’re probably wondering why I linked Amanda Palmer’s TEDTalk to this post. Well, I look up to her. The reason why is that I love this talk is that she has a point, you don’t know who is willing to support you unless you ask. Support, is not just a financial thing either, sharing someone’s social media page is support, reading and ‘Liking’ is support. Support is just a way of saying “I believe in you.”

So. Lacey’s Story is starting on March 1. And I’m asking for your support in this project. Whether it be as a Patron, or if you share my page, or if you “Like” my author page or posts.

Thank you.

So much to write so little time…

I’m wicked happy that I finished the first part of Lacey’s Story. I just spent the last few hours talking with WP about it and bouncing some ideas. I got a lot to think about but the story line is solid, so now I’m just flushing out the details. I’d like to get a few parts written soon so that I’m ahead of the game.

I need to get a start on producing solid material for my and WP’s project. I’ve written about twenty-five pages and their contributions have made up to forty total pages. I hate being stagnant and I feel that is what has happened in the last few months. I love the characters and I think the new reworking of the story will have so much more to offer. I’m slowly adding pages to this one. I’m working blindly as WP has a lot of the information but is keeping it close to them as the FMC in the story isn’t supposed to know what is actually going on.

And then I’m working on a NSFW story with WP that revolves visiting family around the holidays with your maybe-sometimes-depends-on-the-day significant other. There’s some fun shenanigans going on in that one, and we just use it to blow off steam. I’ve added several pages onto that one recently as I’m so stressed out with everything.

I’m also looking to write some fresh shorts for all of you that follow this blog. I’m trying to write just these blog posts to keep the writing going. But I also want to be able to show off what I can do at the same time, if that makes any sense.

It’s bed time now. We’re apparently having a winter storm, but I haven’t looked outside yet. It’s going to be an early morning as I will have to move the car by 8:30 if we do get more than two inches of snow (predicted 3-5). Then doctor’s appointment at 11:30 (I thought this was earlier in the day) and I start my Instacart shift at noon. I might need to drop that last hour. I’m going to be exhausted. And it’s my only day off from my “real” job this week.

Patreon launched!!

So I launched my Patreon campaign last night. I’m wicked excited about this, as the $5 tier is receiving a new chapter of my story. I’m trying to write a serial and this is my first time doing it. So I’m hoping this ends up meeting expectations. It’s called Lacey’s Story and I had posted part of it previously.

I’m hoping to get pledges so that I’m having to sit down and write and produce, but also so that I can sit down, write, and produce without having to worry about how I could be using the time to make money to pay bills or buy food.

I also put together a Facebook Page to help promote myself. The whole thing seems very weird to me, but I really would like to be able to dedicate more time to writing and improving my work. Updates to this blog also appear there. Feel free to give me a “Like” if you wish to keep up with what I’m doing.

Thoughts on Money and Things

In the past few months, I’ve filled out almost a hundred applications, I’ve gone to about ten interviews and I’m still not getting anything. I’ve applied to full time positions in my store, but nothing. I’m sort of at the end of my rope.

I’m going to try to do some grocery delivery for InstaCart but I’m worried because the income may make me lose my benefits from the state and I do need a secondary insurance. Which is the most important part of getting a full time job.

I’m battling fatigue badly, which is also what worries me about doing this delivery work. I can barely keep my eyes open right now but I have hours scheduled from 5-7pm because that was what I could grab today. It’s after dark too. I can’t drive well then. Also grocery stores give me anxiety. Badly.

I don’t know what else to do at this time, because I can’t even afford my meds. I need to renew my insulin, my antidepressant, the fiber pills, and the pills that keep the food in my stomach and not in the toilet. There is no money for that. But if I make extra money, I’ll lose my food stamps and possibly the QMB that pays my Medicare premiums and such.

This worry is effecting my mood more and my ability to write.

I feel hopeless. And no another pill isn’t going to fix that.

Late Night Musings

So as you can tell, I did not go to bed, and Murder Kitty is currently wandering around my room, randomly biting me, and mewing that it’s bed time. Sometimes it amazes me how much her name fits her. She was originally supposed to be called Miss Kitty, but a friend said that it sounded like I had given up on life. I had, but I wasn’t going to admit that, so she became Miss Murder (From the AFI song… please say you’re old enough to know what I’m talking about … so many of the young folks I say this to give me a blank stare), and hey, she responds to it.

I’m trying to write a page or two since WP gave me some material and an idea to work with. And here I am writing, but not writing what I need to. My brain is just all out of sorts right now. I’m bothered by money issues, housing issues, bills, and dealing with my health.

Continue reading “Late Night Musings” →

Thinking Thinking Thinking

I know that I haven’t been updating. I’ve kind of fallen into this funk where it’s extremely hard to think and write. I know it’s a side effect of being on anti-depressants. It’s hard because I know my medication needs an adjustment but since I can’t actually find an office to take me, I’m kind of stuck with where I’m at. I’ve continued to take the CBD oil and it is helping a lot.

I’m kind of conflicted when it comes to what to write about here. I have a lot to say and a lot of things that I can write from my experience but I don’t want this to become too much about one topic. But then again, this is my personal blog, so I guess I could write about anything I want. I hope you all don’t mind if I do that.

WP had an idea to improve our story, which meant starting from the beginning again. Which is fine, except I’m having issues when it comes to writing. WP says to take my time and to just see it then write it. I don’t think WP understands that I can’t actually visual things while I’m on the medication. My mind is pretty much blank all the time.

The medication is also killing any progress I made at my job. I just keep getting called in for “training” purposes and being reprimanded. Although some of it is definitely not me, but whatever at this point. I spent October in a fog, November having panic attacks, and now I’m okay but all the mishaps just make me want to find a good job that I am able to do (writing, administrative, receptionist – I’m wicked awesome at researching topics and events and people) and that pays enough so that I don’t have to rely on just Medicare for health insurance. It would be great if I could work from home on my own schedule, just having to work so many hours or being able to contract and bill. I just no longer feel confident that I’m able to do my job. And that sucks. My supervisor asked what was going on so I told her the truth, but I also told her that I feel like the truth is just a bunch of excuses.

I don’t even want to talk about the continuing effects from the TBI from almost two years ago.

Everything just seems bleak right now and I feel useless. I’m hoping things start to look up with the new year.

Life is too short…

We can choose, we can change,
And if we don’t, we’re just afraid of living life
Like we’re loved and in love and alive
To all the things we could be if we just believed

-Frank Turner

So I started back on my meds in October. And lost a lot of time because of it. I started taking Welbutrin again and Zoloft. I couldn’t handle the Zoloft. It made me sleepy and I couldn’t stay awake to work my shift. So I stopped it. Things started to get better and I was adjusting okay, just not able to really do much except watch television. And then the past week or so I’ve been hit with really bad panic attacks.

I don’t have a psychiatrist or a therapist because I have Medicare due to being on disability for over a year, and around here every practitioner has a wait list months long. So I think at this point, I’m calling a hospital and seeing if they can help me out.

For the panic attacks I’ve been taking Ativan as needed for years for breakthrough panic. This is the first time in almost four years that I’ve needed to take more than one pill during a panic attack. It has been the only way I’ve made it through work the last week or so. My days off are easier because I’m vaping CBD oil.

I really can’t keep living in the cycle that my Bipolar Disorder keeps me on. But I’m also questioning if I really have Bipolar or if I’ve got something different. I kind of am questioning if I have a personality disorder. I’m questioning a lot about how my brain works. Plus the medications don’t help.

I’m also slowly starting to make plans for things. Goals. I want to buy a house. Mostly that is it. But the biggest obstacle to this is that I don’t have a full time job. Which I can only do if I have my psychological issues under control. It almost makes me wonder if having goals is worth it. My old therapist felt that if I had something to look forward to it would help. I miss seeing him.

I’m trying to learn to live life. But it’s hard. Just as the lyrics above I’m trying to prove that I’m not afraid of living. The only saving grace of the Welbutrin is that it’s quieting the voice in my head and the compulsions that make me constantly want to kill myself. I still want to die, but I’m not… trying to act on it.

I’m trying to live like I love and am loved, and that I have a future.

I’m hoping to start updating this regularly again. I’m slowly starting to write. WP is having me write them smut as an exercise. I have a back up career at least! But its slowly becoming easier and easier again.

One day this will all be easier.

Jobs and my Self esteem

I’m sitting here writing this and I have to be up for work in three and a half hours. I have the opening shift which begins at 5:30 in the morning and I only am working for five hours today, so my shift ends at 10:30. My job pays well considering it is retail. It’s decent. For part time work.

I hate telling people that I’m a Front End Supervisor at a retailer. I can see that they immediately are starting to judge me. It’s worse when they find out that I have almost seven years of office admin experience, an Associates Degree, two classes from a Bachelors, and my life experience. The next thing that comes out of their mouths is usually some form of “What are you doing here?” and “You’ve got so much potential.”

Yes.

But when you get sick suddenly and have to leave your job and are on SSDI for months, not many places want to hire you back. And everyone else sends you links to retail jobs. Because apparently that is all you are good for now.

Now there is nothing wrong with retail, if you have ambition, a good work ethic, and you are a people person, you can go far. But you better hope you have another gig. Because most jobs pay around $8-10/hr just to step in the door. Supervising pays a bit more, between $9-14/hr. And its not guaranteed to be full time. I work about 20-26 hours a week, my contract says they can schedule me for as little as 10 hours. To continue to get those 20-16 hours a week my schedule has to be open every day. So it’s almost impossible to pick up another job. I can’t even begin to pay my bills on what I make.

It takes a toll when I can’t even pay my basic bills. I feel like I’m a failure even though I know it’s because of the illness that I had to take time from work. I can’t pay for my medication to get better, so I cringe when I ask for more hours, even as I struggle to stay up right. I can see my managers looking at me thinking, “Really? More hours?” And I hate it when I say I’m broke and someone who knows I’m part time has the audacity to talk about budgeting and how they are making it work. Most of them are married. Or still live with their parents. And I have to stop from screaming at them that its not the same thing.

I could finish my last two classes. But I need money for that. The way the university set up their scheduling now means I need to take two classes at a time in order to receive financial aid (loans). I simply cannot do that, so I need to pay out of pocket. I can barely pay my rent, thre is no extra $1,000 for classes.

I apply to job ads weekly. Nothing yet.

All I can do is keep trying. And hope that I’m not causing more damage by not taking my medications. And that my body will recover from being malnourished.

One day.

Just relaxing

The last few days have been busy and stressful. I’ve been writing and also working three 9-hour shifts at work. Usually I work about three days a week and never all together, but a coworker took the weekend off. This is fine normally, but the entire weekend was under staffed and I have a few call outs. Also customers can be out right nasty.

WP and I have been working on our project but there have been some road blocks. We realized we weren’t on the same page with our timelines so now there is a major edit and such happening. Which is fine. Except I’m so stressed out from this weekend that this latest road block is causing me to be more stressed than I should be.

So right now I’m pant-less on my balcony enjoying a cigarette in an attempt to relax. I have eight files to edit and space out to make eight months instead of it only spanning six weeks. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. WP says he’ll fix it but I’m kind of protective over this part of the project.

I feel sleepy but I can’t afford to take a nap when I’ve already slept half the day. It would be nice if I could get paid to write this project. I work 4.5 hours tomorrow beginning at 5:30 in the morning. And I’m already exhausted thinking about it. But this is life.

As always feel free to leave a comment or question. I’ll post more writing later this week.

Retail is a motivator

I worked a closing shift on a holiday weekend today. For those that don’t remember, I work for a home improvement retailer. (The red vest one). It’s a holiday weekend and we are running on a skeleton crew as many of our seasonal temps have gone back to school.

I have no idea why people think they can yell at us. I’m pretty sure I had a customer do something unethical and when we had to figure out why his items which were only sold by a pack (30 individual unit in one sealed pack, no way to piece it out), he started to get loud and saying he wants a manager and why would we sell a half opened box (That was torn open and had half it contents missing — we’re good at marking returns like that and other things down, so no mark down, it didn’t come that way). I ended up giving him a mark down and only charging for the pieces in the box. Then emailed Loss Prevention.

Got yelled at by a customer because his wife’s card wouldn’t go through. She wasn’t in the store so I tried to look up with her information but the system wouldn’t let me and I can’t do anything else. I suggested they call the card company. He blew up at me, yelled at me for suggesting that he may have to call. His wife wasn’t in the store, I’d get fired. Called my manager over, she swipes his card in a huff and it goes through. She walks off. He yells at me more for suggesting it was his fault and it was a system problem.

I need to find a new job.