Burnout

So I made myself sick trying to make some extra money by working overtime the last few weeks. And it feels horrible that I can’t help make my situation better by working more to solve my problem. As of right now I’m about $300 short every month in my budget. And it comes down to it being the money budgeted for gas to get to work, tolls, and food/groceries. None of my bills are negotiable because I had to set up all the payment plans while doing my interview for security clearance for my job.

I’m so tired, I can barely keep myself awake. I’m in horrible pain as well. A muscle issue that I have where my muscles cramp and hold the cramps for up to 30 minutes was triggered by the exhaustion and its been rough. I did go to the doctor for that and they, as usual suggested my magnesium and sodium might be low, but as usual the blood work came back normal. I’ve also had this sinus infection from the air conditioning at work since I started there. So my body is on overdrive at the moment.

I also got hit with the seasonal depression like a ton of bricks. I still don’t have access to antidepressants and not having a therapist or someone that I can talk to makes it worse. But the new kitten is making it at least so that I can get out of bed in the morning. Both cats are doing well right now.

I’m trying to figure out what I want to cook for the kids and myself for the week, but I just can’t even summon the drive to make meals for myself. I’ve eaten once in the past 48 hrs. So I don’t know. My girlie did ask for fudge, and I think that would be fun to make so I’ll probably do that tomorrow. It might be a nice fall thing to do.

I will probably see if I can get a deal on tomatoes somewhere. There was a request for more sauce and well, that is something I like making so, more sauce.

Insomnia ramblings

Well. It’s not exactly insomnia. I ended up sleeping most of the day so now I’m paying for that.

I tried to work some overtime today but my body would not stop hurting so I came back home and just slept it off. I wish I could find a good job like the one I have but have it either be closer to where I live or a work from home sort of deal. I’m not really doing good with the commute.

I have made some progress on the Village story I’m writing. Started on Part Two. I wish I had some more time to work on it. But writing feels so… it feels like I’m just going through the motions. Almost everything is feeling that way. I’m in the midst of a mental health episode that’s like wicked bad but it’s not really hurting anyone so I guess I’m okay with what’s going on.

Miss Murder Kitty is still pissed about the kitten. She’s peed on my bed again. I’ve given up on the bed and probably will just have to go without one. It’s not the worst thing in the world.

Miss Murder Kitty after she peed on my bed again.

Today I’m planning on making a pork loin in the slow cooker for me and the kids. I’m going to try to see if I can get some meat for stew as well. I only have like $10 left for the week so we’ll see.

I want to make a few other things as well but my brain is firmly set on clean mode which lets me know I’m having a manic episode. Which. Well. It’s fine. I’ll deal with it. I think I need to look into how much a cleaning person would cost. It would probably be good for me to be able to relax. I need to relax.

New Kitty and Lots of Laundry…

It’s Sunday again!

This week was busy with me working extra hours again at work. I think I need to find something to do on the side on the weekends so that I don’t have to do extra hours. It just really really tires me out. Something that I can do from home or something because I just don’t think I have the energy to go out and work a second job when I can barely do the first one.

Anyway, this week I brought home a new kitty. Miss Murder Kitty is not happy about this development and has let me know so by peeing on the bed – while I was laying in it. She’ll get over herself eventually. I hope. But I’m also so amused by how dramatic she is being. The kitten is a good boy though. He’s pressing his boundaries with her a little, but he is giving her space and is pretty much ignoring her. The dramatics are very much one sided.

Because Murder Kitty peed the bed, I had to do laundry. It took about three hours, but I managed to do the huge backlog of laundry I’d been putting off doing. I finished the five load but now have to fold and put away everything.

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Yesterday my daughter and I went grocery shopping together. She got her own groceries but also we picked out a few things for me to make for prep meals. I’ve currently got meatballs in the slow cooker with grape jelly, ketchup, and bbq sauce. I’m going to make rice to go with it and that will be dinner.

She helped me prep my lunches for this week. I have little cups made that have salami and ham in them. I bought some string cheese to go with those. There is yogurt. Crackers. Also mini packs of cookies and chocolates. Mostly healthy. Mostly nutritious. Will make the day easier by having snacks handy. Right now I end the day by eating a few Sour Patch Kids to keep up my blood sugars before I drive home. Not the best.

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I’ve only managed to write half a page this week. I know that I need to be easy on myself with this process but I wish I had more time to write. I was gone for over 14 hours a day this week and it just made for no time to do anything. I’m so tired. I’m hoping to get a little more written today but I’m not sure.

Well, that’s my update for now. Maybe will post some kitten pics later. I posted a few on my instagram. You can find me under @M_is_for_Mo.

Always busy it seems…

I spent most of my waking hours today driving around to stores to get what I needed to make my meals for this week. My daughter asked for some chili and we both wanted meatballs. I also decided to make some spaghetti sauce for the winter as well. My sauce is always different because I cook it based on what I have available to me, so sometimes it tastes better. Right now it’s too acidic so it may take longer to cook as I even out the flavor. I still have to cook up some chicken and veggies for us this week as well.

I worked some over time hours this week at my job and will be doing a lot more next week as well. The extra money is going towards my savings account that I’m trying to establish at a credit union, but they need all kinds of information from me just to be able to apply for the account. I’m hoping to have a good chunk saved up towards my $1,000 goal by the end of the month. Hopefully my body will cooperate. I’ve already missed a day due to being in so much pain I was near tears if I had to sit in one spot for more than five minutes.

Last week I wrote about a page and a half. This week I’m hoping to get a bit more done. I’m also hoping to work on some stuff for my Patreon. I’m always so tired, I think my chronic fatigue is kicking up and it’s so not a good time for it. I have a long list of things that need to be done. But I’m hoping to get at least 3 pages written this week. I really need to just sit down and write a bit while I’m on my breaks at lunch. I’m going to try to remember that this week.

I hope to have some writing to post for everyone soon. And I hope I have something more exciting to write about next week. Maybe I’ll post my meat ball recipe or something.

What’s on the Agenda for this week?

For the sake of getting back into a groove, here is what my week looks like this week:

Day job work:

This week I’m working Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. Doesn’t look bad, a nice short week for me. I took Thursday off to hang out with my girlie as it will be a rough day for her. And I totally forgot that I get most holidays off now. With pay!

Writing Goals:

One more blog post written.
Two pages in my Village story.
Possibly take a look at Lacey’s story again.

This weeks menu:

Roasted veggies with
- kielbasa
- chicken
- pasta?
Leftover frozen pizza
Spam sandwiches
For snacks
- chips and homemade dip
- pretzel crips
- yogurt

I do need to figure out a way to get in some light exercising, but I do a lot of cleaning so I think that counts. I’m leaning towards going to a more veggie based diet, which will be interesting because it seems my muscles twitch more when I eat less beef. I may have to make an exception there. The problem is that I’m allergic to nuts so I’m not sure how else to get protein. I’m open to ideas.

So I hope to have one more post up this week but honestly, trying to get things done is a struggle for me right now. I’ll hopefully have something new up soon!

Lots and lots and lots of stuff and things

I failed to keep up with regular updates again and I apologize. I really do wonder if my inability to follow through is linked to the bipolar and the TBI. I wish I had a doctor that I could ask about that but every time I try to get some answers the doctors are quick to push my concerns aside.

Anyway.

So I got a new job. I’m no longer in retail. The job does require a lot of training, and then I’ll be working as a Student Loan Associate. Basically I’ll counsel borrowers and help bring accounts current, but I’m not a debt collector. My commute is now an hour long, each way, but I think I’ll adjust to it quickly. I’m super excited to no longer be working late nights.

This job also means I’ll have a secondary insurance, so I’m hoping to get some mental health care finally. Also it should mean that I’m able to get ALL the medical care I need with minimal out of pocket costs.

Oh and the pay. It’s only about 70 cents more than I was making before BUT it’s a guaranteed 40 hour work week. Plus possibility of over time. Which is HUGE. Also I get paid holidays. I have today off to celebrate the Fourth Of July but I have nothing to do because all my friends are still working, and I don’t have any other friends really.

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Writing’s been slow and I’m trying to get back in the swing of doing it. Even with all this good news going on, I’ve been not well. WP thinks that there is a real good chance that I’m in a depressed episode. All I want to do is sleep. Or stare at walls. I’m so tired all the time. I just want to do something fun with people but I don’t even know what I want to do, so it’s pointless to ask anyone if they want to go do something.

I may have been slightly triggered by an event that affected my sister and her husband, but it’s not about me, and I’m trying to take that trigger and focus the energy elsewhere. She’s going to read this so I’m not saying what I’m doing! Ha!! They did also just buy a house so she’s going to get a double surprise!! Don’t worry Sis! I’m not coming down. Yet.

But the writing is harder to do lately, it feels like when I was on psych medication. I can’t think and it’s making me super antsy. I think I just need to go out and do things. My therapist used to tell me to make plans with friends. I’d always laugh at him when he suggested that.

I’ve kind of abandoned the serial I was writing, I’ve found something I like more until I hit the wall. Possibly will have more of one of them soon. I’m hoping at least.

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I’ve been cooking up a storm so I’ll share some of what I’ve made in some posts later. I’ll have to remember to set them up.

I hope you all have a great day celebrating! I’ll talk to you all soon.

Nervous excitement

The first part of my story is being released on my Patreon on March 1st and I’m very nervous. It’s kind of dumb to be since the only person that is at that tier for the story is my grandmother. And my gram would love it anyway, because my gram is very supportive.

I think I’ve shared my rough beginning of Lacey’s Story. I believe you can find it here. WP has read every draft of the first two parts that are written and has made many suggestions. Without actually hiring an editor, we feel that I am presenting the best draft of the story so far. But still I’m nervous…

Asking

The first part of Lacey’s Story is going to be released on March 1st on my Patreon campaign. I’m excite but nervous at the same time. I know that many people don’t know that I’ve been writing since I was in middle school, and a lot of people haven’t read what I’ve written before. And here I am, asking them to pay $5 a month, to read this story. The $1 tier gives you access to what I post for Patrons Only and $2 tiers get you access to the blog that I started that gives a peek behind the process of working on this story, details about the characters, and other ideas that are floating around pertaining to the story. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a graphic designer and I was decent at it, so I’m envisioning offering posters and such to go with this story in the future to my Patrons. (This would be WAY into the future)

My Patreon is my way of asking you for support. Without your support, I will not be able to have time to write Lacey’s Story, or any of my other writing projects, as I would be too busy working gig economy jobs in order to make ends meet. I work part time already, as stated previously, and since I cannot survive on part time work, I pick up other ways to make money. I’m at the point in my life that I’d like to be able to do something that I enjoy, but in order to do that, I need to get paid.

This money will go towards keeping me technology updated in order to produce better material. It will also go towards education and professional development. And eventually I’m hoping to be able to produce hard copies of this and other works that I’m working on. I also would like to be able to work with an editor on making these works as perfect as they can be. Also, part of the money would probably go towards groceries. As I like to eat but really can’t afford it. That’s another blog post.

And now you’re probably wondering why I linked Amanda Palmer’s TEDTalk to this post. Well, I look up to her. The reason why is that I love this talk is that she has a point, you don’t know who is willing to support you unless you ask. Support, is not just a financial thing either, sharing someone’s social media page is support, reading and ‘Liking’ is support. Support is just a way of saying “I believe in you.”

So. Lacey’s Story is starting on March 1. And I’m asking for your support in this project. Whether it be as a Patron, or if you share my page, or if you “Like” my author page or posts.

Thank you.

So much to write so little time…

I’m wicked happy that I finished the first part of Lacey’s Story. I just spent the last few hours talking with WP about it and bouncing some ideas. I got a lot to think about but the story line is solid, so now I’m just flushing out the details. I’d like to get a few parts written soon so that I’m ahead of the game.

I need to get a start on producing solid material for my and WP’s project. I’ve written about twenty-five pages and their contributions have made up to forty total pages. I hate being stagnant and I feel that is what has happened in the last few months. I love the characters and I think the new reworking of the story will have so much more to offer. I’m slowly adding pages to this one. I’m working blindly as WP has a lot of the information but is keeping it close to them as the FMC in the story isn’t supposed to know what is actually going on.

And then I’m working on a NSFW story with WP that revolves visiting family around the holidays with your maybe-sometimes-depends-on-the-day significant other. There’s some fun shenanigans going on in that one, and we just use it to blow off steam. I’ve added several pages onto that one recently as I’m so stressed out with everything.

I’m also looking to write some fresh shorts for all of you that follow this blog. I’m trying to write just these blog posts to keep the writing going. But I also want to be able to show off what I can do at the same time, if that makes any sense.

It’s bed time now. We’re apparently having a winter storm, but I haven’t looked outside yet. It’s going to be an early morning as I will have to move the car by 8:30 if we do get more than two inches of snow (predicted 3-5). Then doctor’s appointment at 11:30 (I thought this was earlier in the day) and I start my Instacart shift at noon. I might need to drop that last hour. I’m going to be exhausted. And it’s my only day off from my “real” job this week.

Patreon launched!!

So I launched my Patreon campaign last night. I’m wicked excited about this, as the $5 tier is receiving a new chapter of my story. I’m trying to write a serial and this is my first time doing it. So I’m hoping this ends up meeting expectations. It’s called Lacey’s Story and I had posted part of it previously.

I’m hoping to get pledges so that I’m having to sit down and write and produce, but also so that I can sit down, write, and produce without having to worry about how I could be using the time to make money to pay bills or buy food.

I also put together a Facebook Page to help promote myself. The whole thing seems very weird to me, but I really would like to be able to dedicate more time to writing and improving my work. Updates to this blog also appear there. Feel free to give me a “Like” if you wish to keep up with what I’m doing.